Tuesday, September 30, 2008

We're Doomed! Doomed, I Tell Ya!!

The Setting: The failing American economy. All day, every day.

Banking Industry: We’re doomed!
Mortgage Lenders: We’re doomed!

Homeowners soon to be in Foreclosure: We're doomed! And soon to be homeless!
401K Plans: We suck!
Californian: We’re, like, doomed, dudes!
American Taxpayers: We’re doomed!
Iran: You’re doomed! Mwwaa hahahahahahaha!
British Stock Market / Nikkei / Hang Seng / India Stock Market: They’re doomed; therefore, so are we, but to a lesser degree!
Congress: We’re doomed! And indecisive!!

[Pause]

American Taxpayers: Wanna go for a Starbucks?
Everybody: Yaaaaaay!!

[Pause]

Dow Jones: Uh…Can I borrow five bucks?

Monday, September 29, 2008

"United" Nations Speech

The Setting: In his annual address to the United Nations General Assembly, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced ass-hole) resumed his criticism of American foreign policy. Ahmadinejad gave his opinion onseveral tantalizing topics. The U.S. diplomats were not there, except for one woman taking notes. Seriously? In 2008 we actually have a note taker? What if the note taker wrote down what Ahmadinejad meant rather than what he said? Let's see what would happen, shall we?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Tehran will not abandon its nuclear ambitions. I officially announce that in our opinion, the nuclear issue of Iran is now closed and has turned into an ordinary agency matter."
American Note Taker: 'As soon as we get enough plutonium, we are going to blow something up.'
Ahmadinejad: "Again, I insist that the program is for peaceful purposes only” [chuckles unconvincingly] "I just don’t understand these accusations from Washington. We are not pursuing a nuclear weapon. All our nuclear activities are transparent, peaceful, and under the watchful eyes of the IAEA inspectors."
Note Taker: 'More than likely, it will be Israel. Or possibly the United States.'
Ahmadinejad: "Excellencies, the question needs to be asked, if the governments of the United States or the United Kingdom, who are permanent members of the Security Council, commit aggression, occupation, and violation of international law, which of the organs of the U.N. can take them to account?"
Note Taker: Writing furiously, 'America…is…spawn…of…the…devil. I 'm… taking…my…ball…and…going…home.'
Ahmadinejad: "Today, it is undeniable that the Security Council most critically and urgently needs legitimacy and effectiveness."
Note Taker: 'I repeat, we are going to annihilate our enemies as soon as we possibly can...'
Ahmadinejad: "Human beings are all God's creatures and are all endowed with dignity and respect. No one has superiority over others. Citizens of Asia, Africa, Europe and America are all equal."
Note Taker: '…starting with Israel.'
Ahmadinejad: "All nations and states are entitled to peace, progress and security."
Note Taker: 'I am a nut. You must stop me by any means necessary. '
Ahmadinejad: "Together we can eradicate the roots of bitter maladies and afflictions and, instead, through the promotion of universal and lasting values, such as ethics, spirituality and justice, allow our nations to taste the sweetness of a better future."
Note Taker: 'Seriously, stop me. Trust me on this.'
Ahmadinejad: "It is imperative and also desirable that we, too, contribute to the promotion of justice and virtue."
Note Taker: 'I am full of shit.'
Ahmadinejad: "All divine prophets, from the prophet Adam, peace be upon him, to the prophet Moses, to the prophet Jesus Christ, to the prophet Mohammad, have all called humanity to monotheism, justice, brotherhood, love and compassion."
Note Taker: 'I am in deniable of my own insanity.'

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Dodge Ram Pick-ups are Cool!

The Setting: Loop 202 – West freeway, center lane, Wednesday morning around 6:40 am.

Valley Val: "Dear driver of the white Dodge Ram 2500 pick-up with available 5.7L HEMI V8 engine with 345 hp with up to 15,650-lb towing capacity, the most capable off-road full-size pickup, Nice truck. But seriously: GET OFF MY FUCKING TAIL!! Love, Val"

The Dream Ticket

The Setting: What would have happened if Barack Obama had chosen Hillary Clinton as his running mate? What would John McCain have had to do to beat an Obama / Clinton ticket?

McCain: "Jesus, I need your help!"
Jesus: "What do you need, Scott? No… Tom! Wait, who are you again?"
McCain: "It’s John! You remember me. Come on…"
Jesus: "Let me open these blinds. Oh yeah, I see it now. OK, I'm good. What can I help you with?"
McCain: "It's about this whole Obama / Clinton thing."
Jesus: "Yes, I've heard about it."
McCain: "I need your help. Obama / Clinton is the Dream Ticket. I don't think there is any ticket that will be strong enough to beat them. Obama / Clinton will beat anybody I could bring. There's McCain / Huckabee, but let's face it: he even scares the hell out of me."
Jesus: "Me, too!"
McCain: "A McCain / Powell ticket could've come close, but Colin said no."
Jesus: "Can't say I blame him."
McCain: "So I got to thinking. What ticket could possibly beat Obama / Clinton? And then it came to me. Picture it: McCain / Christ."
Jesus: "Don’t you mean Christ / McCain?"
McCain: "Aw, come on. I've already gotten the presidential nomination. I just need a running mate. But I just can't beat that Obama / Clinton ticket."
Jesus: "Well, neither can I. Besides, I'm an Independent. Security!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I just LOVE Sarah Palin!

The Setting: Saturday morning, overheard in radio interviews of passers-by.

Interviewer: "Has Gov. Sarah Palin being involved in the presidential election influenced how you are going to vote?"
Black Woman: "Nope."
Black Man: "Hell no."
Young Person: "No, 'cause I wasn't gonna vote anyway."
White Man: Not really. "Although she is nice to look at, she doesn't really change anything. She is cute, though."
White Woman (current John McCain supporter): "I was going to vote for McCain anyway, but this makes it even better!"
White Woman (former Hillary Clinton supporter): "I was going to vote for McCain anyway, but this makes it even better! No, I’m not really sure what makes her qualified, but she is like me. I have children, and I'm a soccer mom, which is VERY similar to a hockey mom. Plus, I wear lipstick, too! It's perfect! I have so much respect for her! I just couldn’t bring myself to vote for Obama. I can't put my finger on it, there's just something about him. Oh no, it's not because he’s black. I'm not prejudiced or anything. Some of my best friends… well, my neighbor's nanny is black. And I let her come over to our cook-out a couple weekends ago. So she could watch the kids. Anyway, I heard Obama was Muslim and I just can't support that. I just LOVE Sarah Palin! I feel like I've been knowing her forever!"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Yay! Trip to Super Target!

The Setting: Super Target, Sunday morning, 10 am. Checkout lane #6.

The teenaged cashier is standing there, thinking of teenaged cashier things. Previous Customer is pushing her basket away. Enter Valley Val. Valley approaches the register and begins placing her items on the conveyor belt.

Teenaged Cashier: [blank stare]
Valley Val: "Hello."
Teenaged Cashier: [blank stare as she begins ringing up the items.]
Valley Val: (this time louder) "Good morning!"
Teenaged Cashier: "Oh, hi." [said in an "Oh, I didn’t see you there, even though I had already started ringing up your items" kind of tone.]

The cashier finishes ringing up the merchandise, putting it in bags, and placing them at the end of the register stand. Valley pays with a debit card and decides to get $20 cash back. Teenaged Cashier finishes ringing up the items.

Valley places the last of the bags in her cart. "Hmmm," Valley thinks, "I wonder if Teenaged Cashier will actually *tell* me the total amount or make me figure it out on my own." Valley faces Teenaged Cashier.

Teenaged Cashier: [blank stare]
Valley Val: [blanker stare]
Teenaged Cashier: [blank stare]

Valley Val thinks, "Say it, say it. You can do it… 'Your total is…' Come on…"

Teenaged Casher: [looks uncomfortable and gestures toward debit card machine] "Just a couple more button pushes." [said in the slightly condescending tone nurses use when they speak to elderly people at the doctor’s office, like they’re deaf or stupid.]

Valley Val looks at debit card machine and thinks, "Oh, there’s my total. Good thing I looked here." She pushes just a couple more buttons. Teenaged Cashier grabs the receipt and the $20 bill and hands it to Valley. Valley wonders, "Hmmm, I wonder if Teenaged Cashier will muster up enough energy to thank me for coming to the store today."

Valley takes the money and the receipt and pauses for a few seconds.

Teenaged Cashier: "There ya go."

Valley Val has been dismissed. She thinks, "I
feel so complete. So… satisfied. Thank you, Teenaged Cashier for making my day. I'm ever so glad I came into this store today!"