"United" Nations Speech

The Setting: In his annual address to the United Nations General Assembly, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced ass-hole) resumed his criticism of American foreign policy. Ahmadinejad gave his opinion onseveral tantalizing topics. The U.S. diplomats were not there, except for one woman taking notes. Seriously? In 2008 we actually have a note taker? What if the note taker wrote down what Ahmadinejad meant rather than what he said? Let's see what would happen, shall we?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: "Tehran will not abandon its nuclear ambitions. I officially announce that in our opinion, the nuclear issue of Iran is now closed and has turned into an ordinary agency matter."
American Note Taker: 'As soon as we get enough plutonium, we are going to blow something up.'
Ahmadinejad: "Again, I insist that the program is for peaceful purposes only” [chuckles unconvincingly] "I just don’t understand these accusations from Washington. We are not pursuing a nuclear weapon. All our nuclear activities are transparent, peaceful, and under the watchful eyes of the IAEA inspectors."
Note Taker: 'More than likely, it will be Israel. Or possibly the United States.'
Ahmadinejad: "Excellencies, the question needs to be asked, if the governments of the United States or the United Kingdom, who are permanent members of the Security Council, commit aggression, occupation, and violation of international law, which of the organs of the U.N. can take them to account?"
Note Taker: Writing furiously, 'America…is…spawn…of…the…devil. I 'm… taking…my…ball…and…going…home.'
Ahmadinejad: "Today, it is undeniable that the Security Council most critically and urgently needs legitimacy and effectiveness."
Note Taker: 'I repeat, we are going to annihilate our enemies as soon as we possibly can...'
Ahmadinejad: "Human beings are all God's creatures and are all endowed with dignity and respect. No one has superiority over others. Citizens of Asia, Africa, Europe and America are all equal."
Note Taker: '…starting with Israel.'
Ahmadinejad: "All nations and states are entitled to peace, progress and security."
Note Taker: 'I am a nut. You must stop me by any means necessary. '
Ahmadinejad: "Together we can eradicate the roots of bitter maladies and afflictions and, instead, through the promotion of universal and lasting values, such as ethics, spirituality and justice, allow our nations to taste the sweetness of a better future."
Note Taker: 'Seriously, stop me. Trust me on this.'
Ahmadinejad: "It is imperative and also desirable that we, too, contribute to the promotion of justice and virtue."
Note Taker: 'I am full of shit.'
Ahmadinejad: "All divine prophets, from the prophet Adam, peace be upon him, to the prophet Moses, to the prophet Jesus Christ, to the prophet Mohammad, have all called humanity to monotheism, justice, brotherhood, love and compassion."
Note Taker: 'I am in deniable of my own insanity.'